Inimene on kunn
kalaaa
anaby
Väide: inimene on nagu rumal kuningas

Tõestus:

  • Ainult inimene on nii rumal, et suudab teisi inimesi panna uskuma maailmas eksisteerimise vajalikkust raha abil

  • Kui loomad kõnnivad liival, siis liivale jääb jälg, mille laine hiljem ära kustutab. Kui inimene kõnnib liival, siis pärast on järgi praht ja sodi, mille tõttu mereelukad surevad.

  • Inimene arvab, et eutanaasia ehk hukkamine lemmiklooma suhtes on täiesti ok, kui lemmikloomal on alzheimeri nähud. Alzheimeri nähtudega inimese puhul mõistetakse hukka neid peresid, kes sellise isiku viivad hooldekodudesse. (Üks endine töökaaslane just hiljuti ütles, et nii hea oleks, kui inimesi oleks ka võimalik eutanaasiaga teisele poole pilve saata, aga kahjuks pole see võimalik.)

  • Inimene elab kogu elu, arvates, et väga palju loeb välimus, väline kuvand ja see, kui palju on vara enne suremist. Loomad lihtsalt elavad.

  • Inimene arvab, et ainult temal on märkide süsteem e. keel. Loomad ja linnud suhtlevad omavahel ilma sõnadeta ja tunnetavad kehakeelt paremini kui enamus inimesi.

  • Inimene arvab, et see on normaalne katsetada ohtlikke aineid loomade peal ja siis kui selgub, et aine on piisavalt ohutu, kasutada seda enda peal, nt meigivahendid

  • Inimene arvab, et see on normaalne kohelda julmalt ja kalgilt loomi, pidades neid vangistuses ja lõpetades nende elu, kasutades nende nahka, konte, sarvesid või muid kehaosi iseenda võltsi elu fassaadina.

  • Inimene arvab, et see on normaalne sundviljastada lehmasid selleks, et saada piima, julmalt koheldes lehmi vastavalt oma suvale neid rasedaks tehes, et inimene saaks lehma "rinnapiima" tarvitada.

  • Inimene arvab, et see on normaalne pidada puuris kanasid, et nad meile terve elu oma looteid söögiks toodaks ja kükitaks päevläbi võrepuuris.

Jube kihvt elu ikka küll.

Me.et.
kalaaa
anaby
Mingi müstiline tunnetepuhang, mis tekib ei tea kust.

Kas tõesti ma pole sellest siis lahti lasknud?

 ~*~*~*~

Mingi valu südames, mis paneb jälle tundma ja kirjutama. Midagi väga ilusat on tekkimas, ma tunnen seda, ja samas mul tekib väga kurb tunne, selline käegalöömise tunne... ma otsin ettekäändeid ja põhjendusi, miks mitte viia suhtlemist uuele tasandile ja ma ei leia endas hetkel seda soovi, et olla aktiivne.

~*~*~*~

Tuleb vanast lahti lasta enne kui saaks tulla midagi uut.

~*~*~*~

Kes ütles, et suhted on keerulised? Nendes pole midagi keerulist, kui me ise neid keeruliseks ei tee. Ja see on täielik tõde.

~*~*~*~

Millegipärast on väga raske tunne, kui keegi väljendab intensiivselt oma huvi minu vastu. Ma tajun seda kui rünnakut ja millegipärast teeb see tohutult valu. Et keegi on huvitatud. Ma osaliselt mõistan, miks, aga aju saab asjast ühtemoodi, ja süda teistmoodi aru.

~*~*~*~

Kui elus pole midagi muud, siis on vähemalt tingimusteta armastus.

Agape.

:*

Appearance.
kalaaa
anaby
 Saw a strange dream: I was in Georgia again and was walking with a crutch again - there were a lot of Georgian guys around me. As I was walking through the crowd, it seemed they were interested to start something with me. I was appealing to them, desirable. Sadly all were just intrigued by my looks and no one was interested in the inside of me, my personality.

Many good looking guys came to talk to me, but their words and being disappointed me because they were only about one thing. There was one slim guy who came to talk to me, who was not interested only about my looks, but his buddy discouraged him that our body types look too different to begin a relationship. The buddy was making jokes about it.

I was traveling everywhere, gazes of gazers upon me, wherever I went.

Shortest enterance ever
kalaaa
anaby
I love you too.

Perfect timing.
kalaaa
anaby
We had a fieldtrip on 28th. I had a plan to take a shower in the morning and enjoy the time because we were supposed to start to take off at around 9am. All this because later on I would be too busy to going to Kobuleti for a surprise training. BEfore my alarm could go off I was woken up by Jan. Then I heard from M that the marchutka will come in 10 minutes, and she was right. She gave me some khachapuri and coffee and I ran to the marchutka still some khachapuri in my hand, giggling. Ate it in marchutka. We went to a small town. 

There was a small church they called 'mothers church'. We saw the rituals and took part of them. There we met two americans. Talking to them I found out that they had been to Batumi and been to my friends guesthouse there and they had a good experience there. OUr familys mother caught us talking and invited them to visit our house. THe girls name was Bre. Almost like the cheese. IT is funny, often, when I go to places, I am aagain reminded of my friend in Batumi. Strange. Then also this Kobuleti training just happened now, and it is 30 minutes from Batumi - it is almost obligatory for me to visit him. And I told him I will visit. He seemed to be glad about it. 

The fieldtrip was nice. I got to see a very old church which was not built up for tourists, but was preserved almost as natural as it once was. There was a priest who blessed us all. Made a sign of a cross and touched our foreheads. 

We moved on from a church to museum, where I made a mistake and gave a georgian my number. He turned out to be from Zugdidi - even worse! The museum was a home of a famous writer, Terenti Kvirkvelia, who had made a poem called 'In the foggy garden'. Fog for me has always been a sign. But the words in this poem were meaningful for me. And it also spoke to my home. I had seen a dream lately hearing a voice say god gives and god takes, and for some days I had felt like I have lost some essentials in my life, the spontaneous part, also the joyous part of my nature and having many things happening at the same time, also - signs. I had lost them. And in this poem the writer writes, that finally it is coming back, I am having it again... this feelings or knowledge I had. So it was for the first day after many days that I also felt the same way - I was on a roll again. It was meaningful - and also the way that the writer wrote. He was 33 or 32 when he died. So young. 

Melancholic  text, but many signs for me, positive ones. 

Also, another church, where we could see the mountains of Mestia and around it. And actually - black sea. The highest place in around Zugdidi and we were there. I could see both - mountains and the sea. LOVELY! Another sign, because I love both. THis is why I am here. For the mountains. ANd from Estonia my favourite place in the world - seaside. So nearby there was a monastery. We went there to eat. It was nothing spectacular, but it really fed me. I had bread, some rice porridge, some fish, potatoes, thats about it. It was good, and the nuns were glad to serve us. There was a dog with eyes so sick I felt so sorry for it. I almost wanted to sit by the cage with him. But I didn't for some reason.
The nun talked to us about religion and this monastery etc. There was a display of crosses and many of them were of my neclace - mother with a child. SO I was asking what was the display for. THe nun explained that people often come to marry there, or to wish for something for themselves or loved ones, so they give something as a gift. I was impressed. Maybe I should of done the same, but it is my mothers pendance I am wearing, so I could not. 

After we were leaving, the nun gave us a big candle made of bees wax that had the most wonderful smell. By that time I already felt so peaceful being there. The nun said that we are always welcome there to relax and have a rest. I think I will go there one day. Maybe it is a place for me. I do not know. 

We arrived on time in Zugdidi and I felt like I had had enough of signs. But that was not enough. I was destined to go to Kobuleti, so I packed my last things, said by to Jan, Manana and on the way Carolena, I saw her returning home aswell. She was not with us at the excursion. But she had fun at georgian dancing class. I got to Kobuleti and met with Monika, who took me to the hotel, which was just by the sea. And I could see the Batumi lights in the distance. I could say that I immidiately missed my Batumi friend. Later I texed with him. 

On 29th everything fell into place again and I am feeling extremely centered, calm, and happy. Small miracles are happening again and I am very thankful. I was invited here in training to become an organizer for such events in Zugdidi, which means that there is trust and respect from this person who invited me, and I am very thankful to him. 

God.
kalaaa
anaby
I had a dream today.

Church.
Nuns.

"God gives and God takes. Everybody must leave this place one day. You know when your time is coming to an end here, except if you are already dead."
Tags: , ,

One of these days...
kalaaa
anaby
... when you don't really know wether to laugh or cry.

One of my friends today: I can't believe in four days you really won't be here anymore.

~*~*~*~

And somehow it really made me sad to be there with them. I didn't enjoy it. I can't enjoy the company when there's so much judgement, so much wrath towards some people you don't even know. And the way you express it is the way to protect your ego, protect your own self. From what? Feeling worthless? Why do people do this, they talk behind peoples back and feel better themselves. I have really never understood it... to be honest. But to see a dear person doing it... I've never, ever seen her like that. What has changed? Have I changed? Should I change? I will never be ok with that. I will never go along with it, either...

~*~*~*~

Way back I just felt like losing my childhood friend to circumstances. Circumstances I cannot change, nor want to. What is meant to be will be. I believe this. But I know we have a say in it. I just know I cannot act that way and be that way. Irony can be fun to a point, but taken as a lifestyle, it crosses all my lines.

~*~*~*~

After a while I am truly sad. I can't believe this is happening. It will be difficult to leave. But it will be even more difficult to bounce back, if it will ever be possible. This connection has been solid for 22 years and I am not into breaking or cutting it off... but I cannot be who I'm not. And if this will change things, then let it be.

~*~*~*~

I am so thankful for all the people that surround me and unknowingly and knowingly support me with their termendous, pure, caring and welcoming love. I will never be alone. People who are meant to stay, will stay. Maybe it's more than a book we are into. It may aswell be a triology... or even more.

~*~*~*~

Know, that I love you, even considering this. I do.

Elu nagu filmis.
kalaaa
anaby
Üks nädal on jäänud ja siis põrutan Gruusiasse.

Eile Tartust äratulek oli nii vahva. See tundus nagu väljavõte mingist filmistseenist. Ostsin pileti ja bussini oli aega veidi üle tunni. Veetsime M-ga viimaseid hetki jäätist süües, muusikat kuulates, rääkides, jalutades, niisama... olles. Mõnus oli. Kui M poleks kella vaadanud, oleks ma rahulikult sellestki bussist maha jäänud, ja kui aus olla, siis ma poleks vist sellest närvi läinudki, kui see juhtunud oleks.

Igatahes kui me aega nägime, siis oli bussi väljumiseni 5 minutit ja meie olime bussijaama kõrval olevas Taskus, kõige kõrgemal korrusel. Me krabasime asjad ja hakkasime spurtima bussijaamani. Jõudsime bussi juurde ja kallistasime pikalt. Kuna just olime jooksnud, siis mõlemad veel hingeldasime. M tänas mind ja ütles, et oli tore aeg, soovis mulle edu Gruusias, ja et me varsti näeme. Ma ei öelnudki eriti midagi tol hetkel, lihtsalt olin. Ja hea oli. Alati ei peagi rääkima. Lisaks - praegu mõeldes sellele avastan, et minu jaoks lihtsalt pole see 'headaega'. Alles viimasel ajal oleme veelgi intensiivsemalt suhtlema hakanud ja millegi pärast on tunne, et see on alles algus (ja samas millegi jätk). Mille algus, ei tea.

~*~*~*~

Ma hakkan täna pakkima, väike ootusärevus juba sees. Pakkida ühte kohvrisse 9 kuu asjad teise maale ja kultuuri minekuks. See on küll challenge. Pead olema ettenägelik, et võtta kõik vajaliku, samas võimalikult vähe asju. Minimalistlikult suhtudes on see võimalik, samas.

~*~*~*~

Mulle nii meeldis see, et M'i elus on üks tugisammas, kust ta alati saab positiivset tuge. Temaga oli tore eile seda hetke jagada seal. Teda ümbritsevad inimesed ja ta pole üksi. Mul on hea meel.

Tunnen, et tahan olla tema jaoks igas mõttes olemas. Ja nüüd tean, et saan olla seda ka Gruusias olles, kuigi see füüsilise kohaloleku pool jääb puudu.

~*~*~*~

Ma saaks siia terve lehekülje täie nimesid ja avaldusi, kui peaksin kirjutama kõike, keda ja mida hakkan igatsema. Aga ma tean, et olen võtnud vastu õige otsuse minna, ja seal olles ma hakkan elama samuti hetkes nagu siingi. Ma olen lihtsalt tänulik kõikide inimeste eest oma elus ja eluteel ning rõõmus, et olen neid kohanud ning nendega hetki jaganud.

~*~*~*~

Väike popurrii Paulo Coelho tsitaatidest:

* 'If I am really a part of your dream, you'll come back one day.'
* 'Mitte keegi ei oma mitte kedagi.'
* 'Don't think about what you've left behind, the alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. "Everything is written in the Soul of the World, and there it will stay forever.'
* 'When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready.'
* 'Never. We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms. For example, I can’t see who is in the next carriage, but it contains people traveling in the same time as me, as you, as everyone. The fact that we can’t speak to them or know what’s going on in that other carriage is completely irrelevant. They are there. So what we call ‘life’ is a train with many carriages. Sometimes we’re in one, sometimes we’re in another, and sometimes we cross between them, when we dream or allow ourselves to be swept away by the extraordinary.'
* 'When I knocked, the door opened. When I looked, I found.'


.....

~*~*~*~

Nädala pärast ma hakkan elama kahekordses armsas, väikses majakeses, grusiinide peres, väikeses linnas nimega Zugdidi, kus mind juba inimesed ootamas. Hakkan seal tööle ühes internaatkoolis järgneval üheksal kuul.

~*~*~*~

KÕIK ASJAD JOOKSEVAD ISEENESEST PAIKA.

Sinu hooleks jääb usaldada (end, teisi, jumalat), uskuda (,et kõik asjad lähevadki nii nagu peavad minema), loota parimat, olla avatud (kõige osas, sh. ka kõige hea osas, mis sinuni peaks jõudma. Vahel me lükkame asju endast eemale, kuna arvame, et me ei vääri neid. Palun, et sa teaksid, et sa väärid kõike! Sh. ka head. :)), armastada (sh. ka iseennast).

~*~*~*~

Võimalused hakkavad sinuni jõudma, kui sa avad end, oma südame. Kui sa ei hoia kramplikult kinni millestki, vaid lased sel olla, samas unistades ja lootes. 'Kui sa midagi soovid, aitab kogu universum sind selle juures.' Ja nii ongi. Olen kogenud.

~*~*~*~

Hea on olla. Olen rõõmus, et saan elada tõeks unistusi ja samas olla kasulik. Mitte ainult selle EVS'i vabatahtlike projekti osas, milles hakkan osa võtma, vaid üleüldse, elus.

Ma hoolin väga oma sõpradest, perest, lähedastest.
Ma tunnen, et ka nemad hoolivad minust.
See on soe tunne. Palju rohkemat nagu ei vajakski... :)

~*~*~*~

Lihtsalt üks diskokas:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5W7DVFKrcs

Ebakindlus
kalaaa
anaby
Ja ma hakkasingi Tartu poole liikuma eile ning M helistas mulle ning teatas, et ta ilmselt ei saagi ikkagi minuga koos päeval olla, sest tal on töö. Ja vahepeal ta teatas, et võibolla teda pole üldse Tartus. Ma võtsin seda järsku nii isiklikult ja mõtlesin jälle, et ma pole oluline. Mina olin enda arvates nii hea plaani koostanud, keda kõiki kohata ja kellega aega veeta, millal jne. Mul olid olemas öömajad - ei olnud ulapeal. Ja siis üks osa plaanist oli välja langemas. Ma võtsin seda tõesti väga isiklikult. Mõtlesin, et kuidas nii, et plaan ei lähegi täide. See oli lapsik. Jep. Sest ma tean M'i olukorda. Hakkasin muretsema, kas mul ikka öömaja saab, et äkki juhtub midagi minuga... TOBEDUS. Ma olin aasta tagasi käinud üksinda Hispaanias 2 nädalat ja minuga oli kõik korras, kuigi kõik oli planeerimata ja organiseerimata. Aga samas kõik ju juhtus lausa iseenesest. Kõik sujus.

Minu suhtumine näitas seda, et ma olin unustanud mitmeid õppetunde, mida varasemalt olin ära õppinud. Usaldada, et plaan pole täielik, sest minu plaan ei pruugi olla see 'õige' plaan, mis mulle mõeldud. Plaan võib alati muutuda, ja muutubki. Seal tulevad ette igasugused asjad. Sinu ülesanne on usaldada, et asjad lähevad nii nagu nad peavad minema. Uskuda head ja seda, et asjad LAHENEVAD. Asjad juhtuvad iseenesest. Miks ma läksin turri ja kurvaks?

Ma ei tea, miks, aga alati kui midagi puutub M'i, siis temaga seotud asjad mõjutavad mind väga. Muutun väga emotsionaalseks. Meil on mingi side, mida ma ei oska seletada, ja ta on minu jaoks kujunenud äärmiselt oluliseks inimeseks.

~*~*~*~

Märkasin, et M mängib olulist rolli praegu minu elus. Ma olin mingi hetk mugavdumas ja hakkasin jälle tagasi langema mingitesse vanadesse mahajäetud mustritesse, milles ma 4-5a tagasi elasin. Praegu ma olen täiesti teine inimene. M, iseendale ilmselt seda teadmata, on nii palju kordi mulle challengeid saatnud teele - minu valik on olnud see, millise käitumise valin. Ma olen iseenda lõksu paar korda läinud, aga M tuletab mulle oma OLEKUGA meelde, et ma ise käitun rumalalt, kuigi vahel on ka tore käituda rumalalt. Ta ütles seda ükskord otse välja, et nii on, pärast kui ma vabandasin ta ees, et olin temaga ebaõigesti käitunud, sest nii oligi.

Ma armastan temas seda, et ta annab mu väikesed lollused mulle andeks. Ma üldse armastan seda, kelleks ta kasvanud on. Ta on inspiratsioon mulle praegu ja mul on tunne, et me tõesti toetame teineteist. See on hea tunne.

~*~*~*~

Ma ei tea, kas kõik inimesed mõistaksid sellist hingelist lähedust. Kõik pole seda kogenudki ilmselt.

~*~*~*~

Me oleme tõesti ühenduses, vist mingi nähtamatu maailma kaudu. Tunnetan ta olukorda. Mingi hetk ma tundsin, et ma pean talle kirjutama. Saatsin talle sõnumi ja uurisin, et kas tal on kõik ok, et pean temaga ühendust võtma. Ta ei vastanud miskit. Ma arvan, et meelega, sest tal on harjumus mitte oma nõrkusi lähedastele välja näidata, sest tunneb, et peab olema nende ees tugev, ilmselt, kuna ta on pidanud sellises rollis elama. Igaljuhul oma nädal hiljem sain teada, talle helistades, et tal ongi hetkel madalaseis ja et asjad pole päris nii nagu võiks. Seega, ma olin seda õigesti tunnetanud. See pole päris esimene kord ka vist, mul on tunne.

~*~*~*~

Elu on kohati veider.
Ma loodan, et meil kõigil on usku ja jõudu kuulata oma sisehäält ja lugeda neid märke, mis meile pidevalt saadetakse.

Mul on hea meel, et ma näen täna M'i ja saan teda jälle kallistada.

Ilusat päeva meile kõigile!
L.

Me teeme häält, sest me tunneme...
kalaaa
anaby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQ9FxtQegpo

Is it my fault, is it my fault we've been missing eachother, we've been missing eachother.

- '' -

~*~*~*~

Hiljuti üks endine töökaaslane, kellega mul tol ajal oli üks konflikt, võttis minuga ühendust raskel hetkel ja teatas, et ta igatseb väga mu järgi. Et minuga olevat saanud avatult ja otse asjast rääkida. Sain aru, miks ta seda ütles, ja mõneti oli tore teada, et ta seda ütles, teisalt tean, et ta põgeneb situatsioonist, nii, ja see pole küll tervitatav.

~*~*~*~

Lähen lastele küll viimasel nädalal. Hetkel on see plaan.
Loodan, et neil läheb see aasta viljakalt. Nad on kõik seda väärt!

~*~*~*~

Eile öösel oli magades koguaeg selline tunne, nagu oleksid sa minu kõrval. Nii turvaline oli magada.

~*~*~*~

Jah, selleks et maailma muuta, tuleb eelkõige viia läbi muutusi enda elus. Siis saad juba tegude kaudu olla eeskujuks, mitte ainult rääkida sõnades toredaid teooriaid.

~*~*~*~

I am so glad about my life right now. It is going just in the right direction. I am doing bold steps I have not done before, but this time they don't seem bold. They seem... right, logical. They FEEL right. I want to hug you so tight, my friend. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

For some of you, I'm leaving.
For some of you, I'm arriving.
For some of you, I'm staying.

For me - I am.

I'll be on my way, and it is giving me chills that another dream of mine is coming true. Something I've been feeling I need to do, not just what I wanted, but what I was led to. This is euphoria. I know I will face some hardships on the way, but I will be doing my best to live my dream TODAY.

You will always be in my heart.
I am never abandoning you.

I love you.

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