Everyday life

Märgid

2009-12-19T00:40:18Z

Kõik inimlik on tegelikkus ja vahel teame me asju juba enne, kui need aset leiavad, isegi kui me seda tähele ei pane. (P. Auster)

8. novembril kui käisime Rahvaraamatu (www.rahvaraamat.ee) väljakuulutatud sooduspakkumise nädalal, leidsin enda jaoks nii mõnegi raamatu. Kuid paljude seast jäi mulle silma üks: Paul Austeri 'Oraakli öö'. Esialgu ilmselt viis mind raamatuni asjaolu, et Paulo Coelho blogis kirjutab üks inimene väga sarnast kasutaja nime, küll aga juhuslikult - tegu pole sama inimesega. Naljaga võtsin raamatu kätte, lugesin mõnest kohast - ja mulle tundus, et see on see, mis sobiks. (Mul on viimasel ajal imelik komme vaadata raamatu sisse, teha see paarist suvalisest kohast lahti ja lugeda. Ja kui loetu stiil ja mõtted meeldivad, või midagi selles raamatus lihtsalt kutsub, siis ostan selle ära.) Olin juba veendunud seda ostma, kuid vaatasin veel pilguga vilksamisi tahakaanele, kokkuvõtet, ja seal oli selline tekst:

'Mõni kuu pärast toibumist peaaegu surmaga lõppenud haigusest astub 34-aastane romaanikirjanik Sidney Orr Brooklynis Cobble Hillis kirjatarvete poodi ja ostab sinise märkmiku. On 18. september 1982 ning järgmised üheksa päeva elab Orr selle tühja raamatukese lummuses, eksleb maailmas täis kummalisi ettekuulutusi ja segadusttekitavaid sündmusi, mis ähvardavad hävitada ta abielu ning kõigutada usku reaalsusse.'

Mind hämmastas kuupäeva osa - 18. september ja 1982. 18 oktoobri öösel vastu 19ndat nägin kummalist unenägu, mis vihjas asjaolule, et kas millestki aasta varem või hiljem juhtub midagi. Unenäos oli mingi mees, kellelt küsisin, et kui suur on sinu igakuine ravikulu, ja ta ütles 360. Aga ta ei lisanud, et kas see on rahasumma. 360 võib ka olla päevades - ja aastas on just nimelt 360 päeva. Unes ma taipasin seda fakti, kusjuures. Igatahes, kui ma poes olles selle raamatu kokkuvõtet lugesin ja nägin seal 18. september 1982, siis mul tuli mu uni meelde (kas siis meelega või juhuslikult) ja siis ma teadsin, et isegi kui see pole päris see märk, mida ma arvan, siis ostan selle raamatu ära.

Hiljuti oli mul jutuajamine inimesega, keda arvasin, et suudan kõiges usaldada, kuid pidin temas teatud mõttes pettuma. Ta pööras minu jaoks olulise asja naljaks. Kuna meie jututeema oli seotud imede, mõistusega mitte seletatavaga, siis see omakorda näitas, et ta ei usu neisse (ei imedesse, ega nendesse asjadesse, mis pole loogikaga seletatavad). Ma ise olen ka seda teinud, muidugi.. aga teistes kontseptis. Igatahes nali on selles, et tema sünnipäev on 18. oktoober (18 sept - 18 okt - see on muidugi täiesti juhuslik.). Igatahes meie jutuajamise sisu oli see, et mina rääkisin talle oma unenägudest ja tema ütles, et see kõik on ju puhas juhus, ja et ma mõtlen ise seoseid juurde jne jne... ja ühesõnaga pööras selle naljaks.

Ma läksin naljaga kaasa, kuigi tegelikult näen asju pisut teisiti. Kui ise pole midagi sellist kogenud, ei saagi vist tõsiselt võtta/uskuda (eriti kui pole usku ega tahtmist millessegi uskuda). Tema perekonnas oli juhus, kus üks inimene oli lootusetult haige, ja suri mõned aastad tagasi (jälle üks juhuslik seos, aga siiski). Ja siis veel üks juhus seotud kuupäevadega, mille mainimata jätan. Ma täna lõpetasin selle raamatu lugemise ja see lõppes ootamatult: mees oli teadnud intuitiivselt asjaolusid tema elus asetleidvate sündmuste kohta, lisaks ta avastas, et ka tema parimal sõbral oli sarnane võime. Võime näha asju elus enne seda, kui need reaalselt juhtuma hakkavad. Mingid märgid, mida elust saame, ja veel ei oska tõlgendada, kuid mis nö. realiseeruvad tulevikus, ja siis meile meenub, et me ju juba teadsime seda. Kummaline. Kuid see on võimalik. Isegi, kui me neid märke alati tähele ei pane, on see võime nö tajuda, ette näha, koguaeg meis olemas.

Kas siis võtta eraldiseisva ja olulise märgina asjaolu, et ma küll tegelikult hinges haavusin oma sõbra käitumise peale, solvudes tema nö uskumatusest tulenevast käitumisest ja sõnadest (kuigi ma mõistan, et inimestel on erinevad kogemused, uskumused ja üldse usk ellu, imedesse, ja seesugustesse nähtustesse, mis pole loogika ega teaduse abil seletatavad. Ma lepin, et inimesed pole ühesugused, kuid tema puhul on raske sellega leppida, kuna ta on niivõrd mõistev... muudes asjades.) öeldu kohta, kuid et ma pean uskuma endasse, olenemata, mida teised mulle ütlevad. Kuna mina ka kohati näen asju ette enne, kui nad minuga juhtuma hakkavad. Tol momendil ma taipasin, et kõik ei peagi mõistma. Kui mina mõistan ja lepin sellega, siis polegi muu oluline. Ja õnneks too moment ma tundsin nii. Kuid see raamat sattus mulle meelega kätte... sest ma pidin seda kinnituseks saama. Ja ma olen tänulik. Täiesti KUMMALINE on elu. Kallis, kui Sa vaid usuksid oma võimetesse, Sa tõuseksid lendu. Kahju, et osad inimesed känguvad vaimselt, hinges. Kui ma saaks, ma varustaks neid nektariga, mis annaks eluvaimu juurde. Kuid ei saa seda anda inimesele, kes ei taha, et see juhtuks. Seega on mõttetu näha vaeva aidata inimest kes abi ei soovi. Ja mõttetu on armastada meest, kes ei taha, et teda armastatakse (kuigi see pole päris tõsi, sest armastada saab erineval moel/tasemetel: philos, eros, agape).

A man who didn't know how to love (his neighbors).

2009-12-16T16:18:57Z

A man who didn't know how to love.
Liina Lindpere
16.december 2009

There was a man, whos little house was made entirely out of glass. All of the construction was made of the most simple, see-through glass: the walls, the floors, the roof, even the chimney above the fireplace. The neighbours were curious and started to become suspicious of the man living in such an unusual and open house. Some claimed that he was a man of vanity, some claimed he was rich and using this type of material to make it available to show his wealth proudly to everyone, some claimed that he must be hiding something deep down, and that having a glass house, that everyone can see through and into, is probably a way of decieving and tricking people to make them think that there is nothing to hide, even if there was. As much as the people had their suspicions, all of their curiosity was won, and one by one they started to knock on the mans door to find out about him, and what his house was about. Some were bold and some were more shy in asking him questions and in skill with leading the conversation to the one and only topic they wanted to know about - the secret of that man. That man, who on the outside seemed quiet, calm, honest and open. But yet, people were suspicious. He was different.

As people approached the house they saw clearly, that neither was the man vain, rich, hiding nor trying decieve them. In their soul, they were disappointed - they were, in fact, having an unconcious competition over who is the first one to find out about the man and prove that his intentions are of the dishonest kind. To find out, that there were none, they were annoyed and couldn't let it go. There had to be something. They had to find something. They kept visiting the man in his glass home, not giving up. Even if at first, when finding out that the man was living alone, they thought he lived in deep loneliness, it wasn't so. In his soul he was content and glad to be living and feeling alive.

The conversations always went the same. At first, the neighbours attitude was to interrigate him. As the man started to answer to their questions, they saw, that his intentions were pure, honest and not in vain, nor egoistic. He spoke by heart, with wisdom. He spoke slowly and clearly. But he had sparkling eyes, the eyes that were full of love and joy for life. How could a man living by his own be so happy about his life, when he's all alone, people wondered. And people started to ask about his secret to that. He didn't have to start explaining the recepie to a good life, but simply said: "My life changed, when I started to live my life having the truth flowing in and out of me, when I started to be thankful for the life I was given, and when I started to love myself and forgive myself for my mistakes - then I started to truly love life." But then he thought for a while, comprehended his mistake and continued: "But there is a secret recepie for everyone. Although each must find their own. But they must also accept and respect others secret recepies."

People started to laugh. Some thought it was naive, some thought it was too simple to be true, some got angry, because they wanted to know the secret so they could follow it exactly the same way, some were disappointed because they were not given no certain steps, what to do, to improve their lives. The man saw the peoples reaction and explained: "As much as I want to help with Your troubles, it's us ourselves, who hold the means within us, to open the doors that are in front of us." He sighed and finished: "We must have the patience and the wish to find it on our own. Only then will we truly see. Without it, the answer could be in front of our eyes but we still wouldn't see."

Neighbors were insulted - they thought that the man had the secrets, but wasn't willing to share it with others. How could a man, speaking as he is, wisely, not tell them the secret how to have a happier life? He must of been selfish or plain mean, they thought.

The man knew that in life, the trick is not to copy others, but to start to learn about oneself, and to listen to oneself, then the soul will become alive. If we start to observe what we think, do and feel, and why we do the things we do, we find the key to a happier life. But as always, the neighbors were trying to find the help from everywhere else, except inside themselves.

They were frightened to look inside themselves because they have been living in prejudices, lies and boredom for half of their life now. It would be hard and take a lot of work to break out of such life, and as proved, they weren't really looking forward to pitching in to do that. As they spoke to the man, they let their eyes wonder and inspect the house from the inside (as if there was anything still, to hide. But the irony was, that there was, indeed, something). One of the guests visiting the man was a younger girl, who still didn't want to believe that the man had nothing to teach. She thought that maybe she'd be able to crack the man to reveal her his secrets. There she was, trying to seek for advice, to change something in her life for once and for all. As she was letting her eyes feeding on the visual images of her surroundings, she was stopped to find a glimpse, a reflection of her own face. She had never really looked in a mirror without putting that constrained smiling face on and for that she was frightened for what she saw. There was desperation, there was saddness cured by nothing, there were worried eyes.

Each neigbour before the girl had left the man's house feeling victorious, feeling sorry for the man and good about their lives. They felt sorry for the man for being so avaricious for not giving up the information they were looking for, the help they were seeking for. They thought the man was just insolent and not worthy of their time. But the girl, looking once more at the man, realised, that there was something missing from her life, for the man's eyes were as bright as the fire burning in the fireplace, warm and sparkling. Even as much as some neighbours were gossiping about the arrogant man, she didn't want to believe them - for she had seen his eyes. And those eyes seemed to be telling the truth. Her mother had once told her that eyes never lie.

"How do I start to love life, when there is nothing to live for?" But the man stood still for a second. The girl continued: "As I am beside everything else also all alone in this world. I've lost both my parents, my relatives have forsaken me because I haven't been able to be successful in the world and I have a job that pays only for the food on my table and rent for my home, not much more. My life is entirely empty and meaningless. I know that I can't go on like this without fading." The man became sad for a second, because he recognised himself in the story the girl had just trusted him with. After all, he once had lost hope aswell. But he knew that the girl must find it again in herself, and soon, before turning into one of the neighbours who all had the idea in their heads, that they always knew better, and for that were also better as people. After all, when we start to believe that we have all the answers, is the time when we close ourselves to life, and we are closed to truly living.

The man sighed: "I see that Your heart is in agony, waiting for a change. But I cannot help You. The answer is hidden in the treasury chest of Your own heart. There is a key within You to open it for good." The girl was disappointed. As quickly as she started to admire, honour and listen to the man, after seeing his truthful, sincere eyes, she stopped, turned her back to him and left.

The man was sad, for it seemed to him, that people were reluctant to seek in themselves and find the answers within themselvesin the world - and that happened everywhere he moved to along with his glass house. Day by day he saw that people were waiting for a saviour, a mentor, a master. They were the slaves of their own heart and mind. As much as they wanted him to tell them, he knew that noone was truly going to change, unless they wanted to, and unless they saw a possibility for it.

For the first time in his life, since building the little house of glass, he felt like hiding from everyone. The neighbours were always reluctant to believe what they see with their own eyes and what is fully revealed in front of them. It was almost as if they couldn't believe, that sometimes life is just as they see it. That some things can be just like they appear to be. They have been used to all the lies, decievings happening each day with every person that on every moment they were wondering, where will the next mistake be revealed, when will the dishonest intentions be found. They have became uncurably suspicious of everything.

People kept studying the man, trying to look for a dishonest tone about him, even if it was not there. Even when he didn't need to protect himself, he felt the need for peace and to reside in his house for a while. He blocked his house to non-seethrough with timber and other materials found from his land. There was only a tiny window that he left uncovered, the tiny window on the door, to have the possibility to see the person who would be knocking on the door the next times it would happen. People who came over to see what had happened to the seethrough house were vicious: "See! We were right! He has something to hide from us, after all! Why else would he do such a thing, after he saw that we are here only to get to know him and find out more about him and welcome him to the village." One by one they left the property feeling good about themselves once more, for being right about the situation. The only one who stood silent was the girl, who decided to look through the window.

The view she saw was cozy: the man was sitting in front of the fireplace, smiling to himself, just like before, and looking at the fire in the fireplace - nothing had changed about the man, only the outer image of the house. Even when he lived on just as he had, and while he was the same man as before, it wasn't open for the neighbours to see it at all times. The man knew that this would rise a new round of questions to the people, but he knew why it was important to do what he did.
Suddenly the girl felt deep embarrasment for herself and the neighbours: they had all been expecting in their hearts to find something in the man that would prove them that he was just as they were, that he was no holy man, that he was no different from them. The truth was, he was indeed just like other people, with his virtues and faults, but he wasn't trying to cover it up. The truth liberates and lets us be who we are, or lets us to change, if we are not happy with who we are...

The reason the man had blocked his house to neighbours was simple: the neighbours just weren't ready to see the truth, neither to live with it, and accept it as it is. It is unneccecary to try to convince someone of something that they do not want to see. The ones who see, will know, each in its time.

Sometimes people create their own stories, out of their fear, disbelief, doubts, confusions. But when we start to trust, our eyes are opened. At least the girl started to, when she was looking through the only uncovered tiny window.

The story is about a man, who loved in his own way. We all love differently, but it also takes love to accept the differences of others. When we want others to succumb to our wishes, even as selfish or as blind as they may be, expecting them to be granted at all cost, we start to define love. Love is not definable, it is universal, yet shown in different ways. But there is always a difference between love and selfishness that hides behind the face that appears to be love.

How many of us would be bold enough to live our lives in a house made of glass?

Zafon

2009-12-15T22:02:15Z

Tsitaat:
'Lollid räägivad, argpüksid vaikivad, targad kuulavad.'

Ma laiendaksin seda tänapäeva konteksti
'Lollid räägivad lõpmata, argpüksid vaikivad igavesti, targad oskavad kuulata.'
Ehk siis, lollid on vaimustuses ainult iseenese jutust, argpüksid ei julgegi sõna võtta, targad oskavad nii sõna otseses mõttes teisi ära kuulata kui ka kuulata sõnumi sisu, mis sellel öelda on, ja võtta see ka kuulda.

Sometimes we just don't know...

2009-12-14T22:38:11Z

Question:
"HOW LONG WILL YOU KEEP POUNDING ON AN OPEN DOOR?"

Answer:
I will keep pounding on an open door for as long as I am letting to stop myself by the other within us (by a fear, uncertainty, stopsigns, staticness, undecidedness, unknowing) or the others that surround us that have the ability to keep me pounding.

Although I hope that we are able to either not pound just standing still, if we are not ready yet to go through the door.

And if we are ready, then we walk through it.

To pound on an open door is to waste our own energy on standing still and complaining about it, plus making other people work for us: because we obviously are pounding on it for it to be opened. So we expect someone to open it for us (if there is a kind person to do it, and if they are on the other side of the door and have the means to open it).

I have to be honest - I've been pounding on an open door. Sometimes I've been helped, on other times I realise later, it's been open for all this time- and then I have the choice of either standing still or opening the door and going through it or just keep on pounding, and on some occasions, I guess, will keep pounding. Until I agree to learn about my own silliness again.

Sometimes we just don't know how silly we are, reluctant to go on by our own strenght, energy, possibilities, responsibility and actions. We keep on wanting for guidance or are stopped by fears and uncertainties.

From Wikipedia:

2009-12-14T20:32:07Z

WIKIPEDIAs article of sledge dogs:
1925 serum run
Main article: 1925 serum run to Nome

In January 1925, doctors realized that a potentially deadly diphtheria epidemic was poised to sweep through Nome's young people. The only serum that could stop the outbreak was in Anchorage, nearly a thousand miles (1,600 km) away. The only aircraft that could quickly deliver the medicine was taken out of winter storage, but its engine was frozen and would not start; after considering alternatives, officials decided to move the medicine by sled dog. The serum was transported by train from Anchorage to Nenana, where the first musher embarked as part of a relay aimed at delivering the needed serum to Nome. More than 20 mushers took part, facing a blizzard with −23 °F temperatures and strong winds. Katie Pryor interviewed the musher after he had finished. News coverage of the race was worldwide.

On February 2, 1925, the Norwegian Gunnar Kaasen drove his team, led by Balto, into Nome. The longest and most hazardous stretch of the run was actually covered by another Norwegian, Leonhard Seppala and his dog team, led by Togo. They came from Nome towards the end of the run and picked up the serum from musher Henry Ivanoff. The serum was later passed to Kaasen.

Kaasen did not consider Balto a particularly good lead dog, but Balto proved himself on the Iditarod trail, saving his team in the Topkok River. Balto was also able to stay on the trail in near whiteout conditions in which Kaasen admitted he could barely see his hand in front of his face. During a blizzard, Kaasen and his team missed the last sled dog team and had to take the medicine twice as far, which was what eventually brought them to fame.[citation needed]

A story about this event was put in Seven True Dog Stories.

Togo was the star dog for Leonhard Seppala even before the great 1925 Serum Run. Instead of celebrating the triumph together as one huge team, many became jealous of the publicity Balto received, especially from President Calvin Coolidge and the press. Seppala favored Togo, the general public loved the story behind Balto, but they would take a far different path after the celebrations were over. Balto was not welcomed at the ceremony in New York in which Seppala and Togo received awards from the explorer Roald Amundsen.
[edit] Aftermath
Balto at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History.

After the mission's success, Balto and Kaasen became celebrities. A statue of Balto, sculpted by Frederick Roth, was erected in New York City's Central Park on December 17, 1925, just 10 months after Balto's arrival in Nome. Balto himself was present for the monument's unveiling. [3] The statue is located on the main path leading north from the Tisch Children's Zoo. [4] In front of the statue a low-relief slate plaque depicts Balto's sled team, and bares the following inscription:
“ Dedicated to the indomitable spirit of the sled dogs that relayed antitoxin six hundred miles over rough ice, across treacherous waters, through Arctic blizzards from Nenana to the relief of stricken Nome in the Winter of 1925.
Endurance · Fidelity · Intelligence[4]
”
Movie cover of the film Balto in 1995 from Universal Pictures

Balto was not destined to be a star in the breeding shed since he was neutered at a young age, hence he was relegated to being neglected on the vaudeville circuit with his team. While visiting Los Angeles, George Kimble, a former prize fighter turned businessman from Cleveland, was shocked to discover the dogs were unhealthy and badly treated.

Mr. Kimble worked together with the newspaper, the Cleveland Plain Dealer, to bring Balto and his team to Cleveland, Ohio. On March 19, 1927, Balto and six companions were brought to Cleveland and given a hero's welcome in a triumphant parade. The dogs were then taken to the Brookside Zoo (now the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo).

After Balto's death in 1933, his remains were mounted by a taxidermist, and donated to the Cleveland Museum of Natural History.[5] In 1998 the Alaska Legislature passed HJR 62- 'Bring Back Balto' resolution. The Cleveland Museum of Natural History declined to return Balto; however, in October 1998, Balto left for a five-month stay at the Anchorage Museum of History and Art which drew record crowds.

On December 22, 1995, Universal Pictures released the animated film Balto. The film was loosely based on the events of the 1925 Serum Run.

What I did today

2009-12-14T00:53:43Z

What I did today, is that ...

And if You think this is possible, and something You would want to do, or able to do, then if You will, participate!

More thoughts with points and less worthless word wars.

Uni / Dream

2009-12-13T22:01:21Z

Nägin paar päeva tagasi väga selgelt oma vanaisa unes. Ta oli täpselt selline nagu varem ja naeratas.

~*~*~*~

A few days ago I saw a very clear dream about my grandfather. He was exactly like he used to be like and he smiled.

Sõprus

2009-12-08T14:43:31Z

Mida pidada sõpruseks? Inimestel on selleks erinevaid definitsioone. Kuid minu jaoks submergib mitmeid asjaolusid, millega või millega ei saaks:

Oma (tõelise) sõbra kõrval:
*Saad tunda end vabana, sellisena, nagu oled.
*Ei pea teesklema.
*Saad usaldada.
*Ei pea otsima asju, mis teid ühendaks, sest olete nii või naa ühel lainel.
*Peaksid tundma end väärtustatuna, inimväärsena, nii raskeil kui kergeil eluperioodidel.
*Kaugus ei määra sõpruse tugevust.
*On ühtekuuluvustunne, mis ei võrdsustu 100% ühiselt mõtlemise/tegutsemise/arvamuste/arusaamisega, kuid mis osaliselt baseerub sellele.
*Sõprus on seisund, kus sa aktsepteerid teist, hoolid, kuid ei püüa olla kõiges ühel meelel, ühel arvamusel (, mis välistaks aktsepteerimist), vaid mõistad, et kõigil on erinev elu, kogemused, huvid, unistused ja arvamused/tundmused.
*Sõprus ei küsi sugu, vanust, meditsiinilist diagnoosi, kaalu, juukse- ega silmavärvi, usuliste tõekspidamiste, hobide kohta.
*Sõprus on koostöö, kuigi "töökoormus" võib olla 50/50, või muutuda erinevateks skaaladeks, vastavalt vajadustele.
*Põhiline on suhtuda armastusega oma sõbrasse.

Inimesed aga mõistavad sõprust erinevalt. Miks me muidu kohati eluteel taipame, et ehk oleme sattunud valesse seltskonda, või valinud valesid sõpru, kes meid ei pane ennast just hästi tundma, vaid isegi naeruvääristavad, alandavad, solvavad või hävitavad meid oma mõtete, soovide/huvide, tunnete või tegudega, või kes meid ära kasutavad. Kuigi kui inimene endale valetab, vajabki ta vahest äratust - olgu see siis silmi avandava kriitilise loengu, õigustatud etteheidete, süüdistuste või märkuste näol, või leebe jutuajamise ja asjade arutamise näol. Aga enne kui me teisi kritiseerima kipume, peaksime vaatama ka enese sisse.

Kas meie ise oleme nii käitunud?
Kas meie ise oleme olnud ebaõiglased?
Kas meie ise oleme teinud ülekohut?

Enne, kui teisi süüdistame, vaadakem iseendasse!
Miks me arvame, et teised peavad olema täiuslikud/ideaalsed (meie maitse järgi), kui me ise isegi ei püüa oma vajakajäämisi korvata, oma vigu heaks teha? Meie ei taha muutuda, aga eeldame, et teised seda teeksid. Absurdne ja lapsik.

Kuigi... ükskõik kui julm see ka ei kõlaks - kui mu "sõber" üritab (kasvõi alateadlikult) mind korrupteerida oma (negatiivsete) mõtete või tegudega, või tekitada minus negatiivseid tundeid, siis ma ei tahaks olla sellise inimese keskel. Sõber on siiski see, kelle kõrval võid olla see, kes Sa oled, vabalt ja rõõmsana, mitte see, kes läheks kaasa nende (tobedate) mängudega või näivate arvamustega.
Ma olen parem iseenda seltskonnas, kui seltskonnas, kus mind ei väärtustata, ega võeta sellena, kes ma olen. Ma tean, et sõprus on koostöö, selle kõige puhtamas tähenduses, mitte manipulatsioon.

Armastusega,
L.

PS! Isegi, kui see tekst siin tundub lapsikuna ja iseenesest võetava tõena, ammuteada tõdemusena, siis osad meist iga päev mängivad sõprust või mängivad sõprusega, seda manipuleerides ja ära kasutades.

Me paneme sunniviisiliselt teisi jagama samu väärtusi mis meie, kuigi teame, et igal ühel on õigus oma arvamusele (kuna igal inimesel on omad kogemused, arusaamad ja erinev elu).
Me tahame, et teised näeksid asju täpselt nii, nagu meie, kuna me oleme jonnakad ja tahame, et meid toetatakse igal sekundil, isegi kui meil pole õigus.
Me nõuame, et see, mida ütleme/teeme, on puhas kuld, ning mida meie sõber peab toetama, kuigi teame, et oleme öelnud/käitunud halvasti (kellegi/millegi suhtes).
Me eeldame, et sõber toetab meid kõiges, isegi siis, kui oleme käitunud sündsusetult ja reaalsuses (et endale mitte valetada) vajaksime temalt hoopis karistust, loengut või karme kriitilisi märkusi.
Me unistame, et sõprused jäävad kestma igavesti, kuigi me teame, et inimesed, situatsioonid, ellusuhtumised/arusaamad võivad muutuda, elutee võib meid lahku viia, või võib juhtuda midagi muud, mis sõpruse purustada võib.

Ühepoolne (, eriti endast lähtuv) sõprus pole sõprus, vaid puhtal kujul egoism.
Greetings!

Genetics on autism and schizophrenia

2009-12-08T03:26:04Z

An article concerning new findings that may possibly suggest that autism and schizophrenia might be two sides of the same coin:
The following article was found from the following link:

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18226-autism-and-schizophrenia-could-be-genetic-opposites.html

and here's the article itself:
Autism and schizophrenia could be genetic opposites

11:33 02 December 2009 by Bob Holmes
For similar stories, visit the Mental Health and Genetics Topic Guides

Autism and schizophrenia may be two sides of the same coin, suggests a review of genetic data associated with the conditions. The finding could help design complementary treatments for the two disorders.

Though autism was originally described as a form of schizophrenia a century ago, evidence for a link has remained equivocal. One theory puts the conditions at opposite ends of a developmental spectrum.

To investigate, Bernard Crespi, an evolutionary biologist at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, Canada, and colleagues gathered data on all known genetic variants associated with each condition, then looked for patterns of co-occurrence.

The researchers found four regions in the genome which dramatically affect the risk of autism or schizophrenia. Called "copy-number variants", these are stretches of DNA with seemingly accidental duplications or deletions. Crespi's team found that the presence of a particular variant – a duplication, say – was often associated with autism while the opposite variation – a deletion of the genetic material – was linked to schizophrenia.

The results fit with other evidence that autism may be caused by overdevelopment of specific brain regions and schizophrenia by underdevelopment, says Crespi.

If they are indeed opposites, work on one disorder may inform work on its counterpart, he says.

Journal reference: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, DOI: 10.1073/pnas.0906080106

Kui elus pole rõõmu / If there is no joy in our life

2009-12-08T00:05:44Z

Tee, mis Sa teed, aga ma ei kannata niisama vingumist. Kui inimene ise teeb oma otsuseid, siis ta ilmselt teeb neid mingite kaalutluste alusel, juhul, kui tal on valikuvõimalusi. Kui oled teinud mingi otsuse oma elus, siis võta ka vastutus. Kui otsus on Sind pannud loobuma mõningatest asjadest, siis ära virise et oled neist nüüd ilma jäänud, sest tehes seda otsust Sa ilmselt juba situatsiooni eos teadsid, millega Sul hakkab edaspidi tegemist olema.

Ma mõistan, et elus on raskeid situatsioone. Aga tihti väljendub situatsioon ka läbi selle prisma, millisest vaatevinklist me elule läheneme, millise suhtumisega sellesse oleme. Nii et kui asi on 'nii keeruline', 'nii tüütav', 'nii rõõmutu', siis ilmselt on siin tegemist kahe asjaoluga. 1. Kas me pole piisavalt üritanud igapäevasest leida seda rõõmu. või 2. Me näeme asju läbi sellistlaadi prisma (, mis reaalsuses ei pruugi sedamoodi ollagi, kuna, meie isiklikult, tajume asju liiga isiklikust vaatenurgast lähtuvalt).

Igatahes võiksime me taibata, et palju asju, mis meiega juhtuvad, põhjustame me endale ise.
Samas ka võiksime me taibata, et pilt maailmast, mille endale maalime, tuleb otseselt kas meie ebalevast või haavatud hingeseisundist, või meie isiklikest omadustest või harjumustest maailma sel viisil nägemast.

Nii et kallid inimesed, kui te oma elus ootate muutusi, siis olge varmad ka oma mõtteviisi ja suhtumist maailma muutma. Ei, te ei peaks leppima vähemaga, kui te endast või teistest loodate, aga te peate mõistma, et Teie elu on siin maailmas vaid mikroelement, on ka teisi inimesi, lisaks Sinule. See on üks võimalus. Sa pole küll vähemtähtis, kuna oled mikroelement, kuid teades seda asjaolu, annab see võimaluse nägemaks, et maailma rõõmsamaks/paremaks muuta (kasvõi iseenda elust alustades) on selleks vajalik ka "mikroelementide" osalust. Ja tihti, et maailma paremaks muuta peamegi just enesest alustama. M.Jackson - 'Man In the Mirror'. Palun, kuula seda lugu ja kuula selle sõnumit. Teine võimalus on lihtsalt jätta oma 'vana mina' maha ja hakata lõppude lõpuks lakkama enesele ja teistele valetamast.

Kõike kaunist detsembrikuuks.

~*~*~*~

Do, what You want to do, but I just cannot bare simple whining. If a person itself makes their own decisions, then they obviously make them based on certain scalings, if, in this case, they have possibilities of choices. If You have made a certain decision in Your life, then take the responsibility. If the decision has made You give up certain things, then do not whine that You have lost them now, because making this decision, You probably already knew, in the beginning of this situation, which endevaours You will be dealing with in the near future.

I understand, that in life there are difficult situations. But often the situation would be expressed through the prism, through which we look at the life with, which attitude we have towards it. So if a thing becomes 'so difficult', 'so annoying', 'so joyless', then obviously here it is the case of two subjects. 1. Haven't we not tried enough to find that joy from the every day life. or 2. We see things through this kind of prism (, which in reality wouldn't possibly even be so, because we, personally, percieve things from a too personal point of view).

Anyway, we should apprehend, that many things that happen to us, are brought upon us by ourselves.
At the same time we should apprehend, that the picture of the world, which we ourselves paint, comes directly either our undecised or wounded state of soul, or our personal traits or customs to see the world that way.

So, dear people, if You are looking for changes in Your life, then be ready to change Your ways of thinking and the attitude towards life. No, You shouldn't agree with less than You hope of Yourself or others, but You must understand that Your life in this world is a microelement, there are other people, addition to Yourself. This is one possibility. You are not less important because You are a microelement, but knowing this aspect, it will give a chance to see, that to make the world more joyous/better place (even starting by changing our own lives) there is needed even the participation of the "microelements". And often, to change the world a better place, we have to start from ourselves. M.Jackson - Man In the Mirror'. Please, listen to this song and it's message. Another possibility is to leave Your 'old self' behind and to finally stop lying to Yourself and others.

All beautiful for the December.

Cinema

2009-12-04T14:36:01Z

Embrace life, transform.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcdzdHoDvkg&feature=featured

But You are in my heart, love.

2009-11-29T17:33:25Z

Goo Goo Dolls
'Without You Here'

Your love's a gathered storm I chased across the sky
A moment in your arms became the reason why
And you're still the only light that fills the emptiness
The only one I need until my dying breath
And I would give you everything just to
Feel your open arms
And I'm not sure I believe anything I feel

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here

And I'm trying to believe
In things that I don't know
The turning of the world
The color of your soul
That love could kill the pain
Truth is never vain
It turns strangers into lovers
And enemies to brothers
Just say you understand
I never had this planned

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here
Without you here
There's nothing more without you
Without you here

My head lies to my heart
And my heart it still believes
It seems the ones who love us are the ones
That we deceive
But you're changing everything
You're changing everything in me

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here

~*~*~*~

Goo Goo Dolls
'Let Love In'

You wait, wanting this world
To let you in
And you stand there
A frozen light
In dark and empty streets
You smile hiding behind
A God-given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore
Is all that I need to see

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
That's all we need to say
I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can't control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to live without
The only way to see again
Is let love in

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

Alkohol / Alcohol

2009-11-24T22:26:34Z

ÜKS VÄLJAVÕTE EESTIS ALKOHOLI TARBIMISEL ÜHE INIMESE KOHTA:

Numbrid ja faktid (www.alkoinfo.ee)
Eestis juuakse alkoholi kaugelt rohkem kui tervisele ohutu ning tarbimine on aastate jooksul pidevalt kasvanud.

Puhast alkoholi tarvitati Eestis 2008. aastal ühe elaniku kohta 11,9 liitrit (Eesti Konjuktuurinstituut, 2009), mis teeb aastas ühe Eestis elava inimese kohta (sh lapsed ja vanurid!) kas 30 liitrit viina, 520 pooleliitrist pudelit 4,6% õlut või 133 kolmveerandliitrist pudelit 12% veini.

Need numbrid käivad KÕIGI Eestis elavate inimeste kohta: ka iga vastsündinu, laps ja vanainimene joob aastas ligi 12 liitrit puhast alkoholi, siia hulka on arvestatud ka salaalkohol. Turistide kaasa ostetud ja kohapeal joodud kogused on sellest numbrist maha arvestatud.

Alkoholi tarvitamine on aastate jooksul pidevalt kasvanud. Kui 2000. aastal joodi Eestis ühe elaniku kohta 7,6 liitrit puhast alkoholi, siis 2008. aastal juba 11,9 liitrit. Eesti inimene on alkoholitarbimises Euroopas teisel kohal, veel rohkem juuakse ainult Tšehhi Vabariigis. Soomes ja Taanis joodi 2006. aastal 10 liitrit, Norras 6,2 liitrit ja Islandil 5,6 liitrit (EKI, 2008) . Maailma Terviseorganisatsiooni (WHO) hinnangul toob tarbimine juba üle 6 liitri absoluutalkoholi elaniku kohta aastas kaasa tõsised kahjud rahva tervisele.

Eestis elavad eestlased joovad alkoholi rohkem kui siin elavad muudest rahvustest inimesed.

Keskmiselt joob iga inimene aastas:
76 liitritl õlut;
4 liitrit siidrit;
19 liitrit muud lahjat alkoholi (segatud piiritusjoogid jmt);
10,4 liitrit viina;
3,2 liitrit muud kanget alkoholi.
Inimesed alahindavad oma joodud alkoholikoguseid
Inimesed alahindavad oma alkoholitarbimist, pidades seda väiksemaks kui see tegelikult on. Kuigi 76% inimestest tõdevad, et Eestis juuakse palju, siis enda alkoholitarbimist hinnatakse pigem väheseks (58%) või mõõdukaks (25%), vaid 2% hindab oma alkoholitarbimist suureks (EKI, 2009). 15% inimestest väidab, et nad ei joo üldse alkoholi.

Inimesed ei taju, et nende joodavad kogused on pidevalt suurenenud. Alkoholi müük Eestis on aasta-aastalt suurenenud, samal ajal on vähenenud nende inimeste arv, kes peavad oma joomist mõõdukaks ja suurenenud nende arv, kes peavad seda väheseks.

~*~*~*~

2008 aasta terviseuuringu kohaselt tarvitab Eestis iga elanik aastas 11,9 liitrit (puhast) alkoholi. Euroopas oleme TEISEL kohal. Esimesel kohal on Tšehhi. WHO tervishoiuorganisatsiooni kohaselt põhjustab juba üle 6 liitri alkoholi tarbimine isiku kohta tõsiseid tervise kahjustusi.
Eestis elab 1,3 miljonit inimest, ja iga inimese kohta juuakse 11,9 liitrit alkoholi. Uurimuses on ka sees vanurid ja lapsed (arvestades asjaolu, et vanuritel on alkoholi joomine üldjuhul piiratum, ja lapsed ju ei joo. Vähemalt teatud vanusepiirini umbes mitte). Sinna hulka on arvestatud ka salaalkohol. Maha aga on arvestatud eksport, ehk alkohol, mida viiakse Eestist välja (välismaalaste poolt). Kuna see 11,9 liitrit absoluutalkoholi on leitud KOGU rahvaarvu põhjal, siis kui lapsed ja vanurid mõtteliselt selle koguse tarbimise juurest eemaldada, on reaalsus ühe inimese kohta keskmiselt tarbitav alkoholi kohus lihtsalt kohutav. Usun, et kui see number mitte ei kahekordistu, siis ligilähedaselt küll (arvestades ka tarbimis koguse ja sageduse varieeruvusi tarbiva elanikkonna seas).

Absoluutalkohol = 100% alkoholi
Aga me joome erineva kangusega alkoholi: viina, veini, kergemaid alkohoolseid jooke nagu siider, õlu, gin toonik jne jne.

ÜHE Eestis elava inimese kohta (sh lapsed ja vanurid!) kas 30 liitrit viina, 520 pooleliitrist pudelit 4,6% õlut või 133 kolmveerandliitrist pudelit 12% veini.

Vat nii on lood.
Nüüd võtke lapse ja vanurid arvestusest välja.

Pilt on lihtsalt kurb.

~*~*~*~

According to year 2008 health research the consumption of (pure) alcohol per each person in a year in Estonia is 11,9 liters. In Europe we are in SECOND place. On the first place there is Chech Republic. According to a healthcare organisation WHO, consuming over 6 liters of alcohol per person, will result in serious health problems.
There lives 1,3 million people in Estonia, and for every person there has been drinked 11,9 liters of alcohol. In the research the elderly and children are included aswell (taking into account the circumstances that the consumption of alcohol with elderly is usually rather limited, and the kids do not drink. At least until a certain age limit.). In this number there has also included the bootleg alcohol. But they have taking out of the account the export, in other words alcohol, which is taken out from Estonia (by the foreigners). Because this 11,9 liters absolute alcohol has been found based on the WHOLE population, then if to take children and elderly people away from this consumption, the reality according to the average consumption of alcohol becames just horrible. I believe, if the number won't double, then at least something very close to it (taking into accound the amount and frequency variety among the consuming population itself).

Absolute alcohol = 100% of alcohol.
But we drink different strongness of alcohol: vodka, wine, lighter alcoholic drinks such as cider, beer, gin tonic etc. etc.

Per ONE person living in Estonia (including children and elders!) either 30 liters of vodka, 520 half-liter bottles of 4,6% beer or 133 0,75l bottles of wine of 12%.

Tha'ts how it is.
Now take the children and elders out of the account.

The picture is just sad.

Raamatuklubi

2009-11-20T23:10:53Z

Asutasime A.H ja K.N-ga raamatuklubi, kuhu ootame veel vähemalt ühte liiget. Hakkame umbes kord kuus või üle 2 kuu kokku saama. Tõotatud on palju toredaid päevi/õhtuid ees ootamas, mis igatpidi hubased.

Esimeseks raamatuks on Carlos Ruiz Zafóni menuraamat 'Tuule vari'. (La Sombra del Viento) Mul on see mõned kuud tagasi tegelikult juba läbi loetud, kuid teen seda uuesti (detailsemalt). See oli minu soovitus, just too raamat valida. Miks? Kuna muud, mida oleksin pakkunud olid kas inglise keelsed või liialt filosoofilised, mis ei pruugi olla teiste huvi. Ootan aga põnevusega, mida pakub välja K ja A oma kordadel. Järgmiseks korraks on mul ka vist juba raamat olemas.

Tore on jagada mingit huvi kaasinimestega - nii imelik kui see ei tundu, pole ma varem seda teha saanud. Tänud K-le ja A-le, kes selle idee peale tulid ja asja käsile võtsid! Tulen hää meelega Teiega kaasa selles.

Parimat,
L.

TaiChi

2009-11-16T12:47:38Z

Eile käisin esimest korda elus TaiChi trennis. See on selline poolmeditatiivne aeglane erinevate liigustuskomponentide jada. Treener oli hiinlane (Yongsheng Sheng), kes rääkis märksõnadega vene keelt, mida ma niikuinii ei oska. Aga kehakeele järgi sain enamasti kõigest aru. Ja sellest, millele ta püüdis tähelepanu osutada. Enamasti.

Kuna ma ei tunne neid samme ja olen harjunud võibolla kiirema ja jõulisema treeninguga, siis olin väheke elemendist väljas ja oma liikumises hakitud (kuigi peaks olema sujuv, rahulik, meditatiivne) - vist liiga palju mõtlesin nende sammukomponentidele. See ajas treeneri naerma ja ta õpetas mulle, kuidas õigesti teha, aga kuna korraga pidi nii paljudele asjadele mõtlema (sammud nii käte kui jalgade ja tasakaalu säilitamisega jne), siis olin ilmselt liiga tehniline ja liikusin konarlikult. Ma ise ka naersin enda üle. Aga lõpus juba hakkas paremini sujuma. Kokku oli meid 5.

Tore kogemus oli, ja kuigi paljud ei läheks ilmselt sinna trenni tagasi keelebarjääri tõttu, siis mina leidsin, et see on hea võimalus toetuda muudele meeltele ja olla rohkem avatumad kõigele võõrale ja julgeda ka end panna situatsiooni, kus pead tegema midagi, mida kunagi kas teinud pole, või milles võid end nö. (vast enamasti ainult enese silmis) veidi rumalana näida.

Julgege proovida erinevaid asju!
Pange end proovile!
Julgege!

Parimat,
Liina

Julge. / Dare.

2009-11-14T20:38:47Z

Elu on imelik.

Ma nägin täna umbes neljandat korda 'täiesti juhuslikult' (?) seda sama inimest (keda nägin kord bussis), ja kuigi mul on olnud sisetundest tulenev tahtmine temaga natuke juttu puhuda, ja tema kohta rohkem teada saada, suutsin ma täna temast möödudes vaid pooleldi talle lehvitada ja öelda 'Hello!'. Ja siis asusin kodupoole teele. Kuigi mul oli tunne, et peaksin temaga rääkima minema. Ma luban endale, et järgmine kord ma teen seda. Kui tuleb veel üks võimalus.

Vanamoodne? Natuke küll.
Aga sellest valehäbist tuleb lahti saada ja julgeda ka oma kestast kasvõi esialgu ninagi välja pista.

~*~*~*~

Live is odd.

I saw the same person (that I saw once in a bus) for about the fourth time 'as a total coincidence', and even though I have had a wannting coming from the inner feeling to talk to him and to find out more about him, all I could do today passing by him was to half way wave him and say 'Hello!'. And then I set my way back to home. Although I had a feeling that I should go and talk to him. I promise myself the nect time I will do it. If there will be another chance.

Oldfashioned? A little.
But this falseshame should be something to get rid off and to dare to come ouf of ones shell, even if it's only poking Your nose out of it at first.

Kuidas saada ilusaks? / How to become beautiful?

2009-11-09T07:00:51Z

Veel kord.

Kui piisavalt palju magada, mitte passida ööde kaupa üleval, ja rahuldada oma kehale seatud vajadusi, saab aju piisavalt puhkust ja seedimine kiireneb. Samas ärgates oled puhanud, õnnelik, närvisüsteem on saanud puhata - oled rahulik ja rahulolev. Omakorda selline hingeseisund tagab enamasti positiivsemaid päevasündmuseid (kuna reageerime kõigele adekvaatselt, magamatusest asjata närvi minemata une deprivatsiooni tagajärjel), mis toob veelgi positiivsema enesetunde. Lisaks ka ei teki liigseid kilosid, kuna keha on öösel saanud varuda endale jõudu, puhata ja uuendada magamise ajal rakke, ilma et keha tunneks vajadust (söödud) energiat kehas kinni hoida vähese magamise tõttu. Teisisõnu, et hoida energiat, mida keha töötamiseks vajab, käitubki keha selliselt just seetõttu, et sa pole piisavalt maganud. Vähemalt mitte piisavalt Sinu keha jaoks. Ja Su keha teab seda. (Stressi refleks - kui me stressame, kehaliselt või psühholoogiliselt, refleks võtab tarvitusele kõik abinõud, et hoida meid stabiilse ja funktsioneerivana, hoides energiat ja pannes samas meie kehale ekstra koormuse, et seda säilitada). Seda ei saa petta. Loodust ei saa petta.

Seega - magage ennast ilusaks!

PS! Ma ei võrdsusta ilu noorusega.

Vahel on kõige elementaarsemad asjad lahenduseks.
Vahel puudub meil elementaarne (kodutud, stress, kohustused), et ennast õnnelikuks teha.
Vahel me teeme igasuguseid trikke nähes millegi saavutamiseks vaeva, kuigi lahendus on lihtne.
Vahel me ei oska arvatagi, et lihtsuses peitub elu mõte.
Vahel me ei oska enesega rahu sõlmida ja püüame enesega sõdida (teadmata, et see teeb meie elu keerulisemaks).

~*~*~*~

Once again.

If one would sleep enough, doesn't stay up at nights and would satisfy the needs of one's body, the brain will recieve enough rest and the digesting goes faster. At the same time waking up after a good night rest You will feel well rested, happy, the nervous system has been able to rest - You're calm and content. This state of soul will also mostly turn into more positive daily happenings (because we will react more adequate towards everything, without getting angry/nervous from the sleep deprivation), which will also bring us more positive state of mind. To the addition there will be no added kilos, because Your body has been able to renew its strenght, to rest and renew the cells during sleeping, without having to keep the (eaten) energy bottled inside Your body due to sleep deprivation. In other words, to sustain the energy that Your body needs to work, it will do it by keeping the energy, concerning that You have not slept enough. At least not enough for Your body. And Your body knows it. (The reflex of stress - if we are stressing ,either our mind or body, the reflex will take all means to keep us functioning and stable, hold the energy in and put extra effort on our bodies to sustain it.) Can't fool it. Can't fool nature.

So - sleep (enough) to become beautiful!

PS! I do not equalize beauty with youth.

At times the most elementary things are the solution.
At times we lack the elementary (homeless, stress, duties), to become happy.
At times we do all kinds of tricks and labour to accomplish something, although the solution is simple.
At times we can't see, that in simplicity lies the point of life.
At times we don't know how to make peace with ourselves and we try to battle ourselves (without knowing that it makes our life harder).

Teateid alateadvusest / Messages from the subconcious

2009-11-07T23:33:50Z

Kui mõned inimesed suudavad vaid öelda 'Halleluja!', siis mina suudan praegu öelda vaid: Paul Auster, Oraakli öö, 18. september 1982. Täiesti haiglane "kokkusattumus". 360? 83- 360 päeva = 82. Psühho väk. Igatahes see raamat pidi minu kätte sattuma ja ma pean selle lähiajal läbi lugema. Unenäod räägivad meiega... Ma ei taha uskuda, et see fenomen, mis praegu toimub, on justkui väljunud Viktor Pelevini teosest 'Arvud' ja et täidan peaosa raamatus, sarnaselt selle teose peategelasega, kus unenägudest tulevad märgid (seekord arvu 360 näol) võtavad minu üle võimust. Ei... asi pole ülepaisutamises või juhuste/konspiratsioonide või mingi muu (ebatõenäolise kuid) vajaliku seose leidmises. Selles raamatus oli kuju, kelle kogu elu keerles numbri 34 ümber (ja hiljem 43, nagu ta arvas, et see ka väljenduda võib). Sarnaneb piinatud geeniuse sündroomiga. Aga see, millest rääkisin, pole raamat mingist tegelasest... seekord pole see fiktsioon.

Inimesed üldjuhul ei usu sellistesse asjadesse, mis on seletamatud (teooriate, faktidega, mida pole võimalik mõõta). Aga mul pole muud valikut. Sest tõde on tõde ja jääb tõeks. Isegi kui on olemas skeptikuid, kes tahavad selle eest teisi risti lüüa (piltlikult rääkides), alandada, naeruvääristada, ja end sel moel targema ja paremana tunda. Kuigi tegelikult tegemist on mitte mõistmise, enda komplekside või vähese huvi näitamine meie ümbritseva ja meie ense sees 'oleva' maailma vastu. Aga õnneks on ka mõistvaid.

Uskumatu.

Tänupisar.

~*~*~*~

If some people can only say 'Hallelujah!', then I am able to only say: Paul Auster, Oracle Night, 18th of September, 1982. A sickly "coincidence". 360? 83 - 360 days = 82. Psycho stuff. Anyway this book was meant to end in my hands and in the near future I will have to read it. Dreams talk to us... I don't want to believe, that this phenomen, which is going on right now, is almost as it is alighted from a book of Viktor Pelevin 'Numbers' and that I am in the main lead, similar to the main character from that book, where in my dreams I recieve signs (this time in the means of the number 360) that take over me. No... it is not about overexpanding or coincidences/conspiracies or anything else (that seems unrealistic but at the same time) as finding much needed coherence. In this book there was a person, whos whole life twirled around the number 34 (and later 43, as he assumed, that it can utterly be aswell). It is similar with the tortured genius syndrome. But this, which I talked about, is not a book about some character... this time it is not a fiction.

People generally do not believe in things that are unexplainable (by theories, facts, which are unpossible to measure). But I don't have any other choice. Because truth is truth and will remain truth. Even if there are sceptics, who want to cross others for that (figuratively speaking), to humiliate, to mock, and therefore to feel smarter and better about themselves. Although in reality the reasons for it is not understanding, their own complexes or small interest in the world that surrounds us and 'is in' ourselves. But thankfully there are those that are undersanding.

Unreal.

Tear of thankfulness.

~*~*~*~

18.10.82
18.09.82

~*~*~*

About coincidences:
Instances of coincidence can be found all over Auster's work. Auster himself claims that people are so influenced by all the consistent stories that surround them, that they do not see the elements of coincidence, inconsistency and contradiction in their own lives...

Ja ma just praegu sain ühe.

~*~*~*~

Auster's protagonists often go through a process that reduces their support structure to an absolute minimum: They sever all contact with family and friends, go hungry and lose or give away all their belongings. Out of this approximation of their nil they either acquire new strength to reconnect with the world or they fail and disappear for good.

“

But in the end, he manages to resolve the question for himself - more or less. He finally comes to accept his own life, to understand that no matter how bewitched and haunted he is, he has to accept reality as it is, to tolerate the presence of ambiguity within himself.

”

What if we, for a day, (for a start) put someone else to our priority, instead of our EGO?

2009-11-03T23:44:50Z

Someone shared their idea: "I have this crazy idea… imagine if the world worked to care about each other and our first priority was helping others."

~*~*~*~

Yes, very crazy indeed to once in Your life think first about another, instead of Yourself (and Your benefits). (A bit ironically said).

But Your crazy idea is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot myself. Especially the first sentence - the whole world, every single person, not just companies and organisations. Many individuals (as well as organisations) actually do this sort of thing, but out those, who really do care and are unegoistic, often many go unnoticed and are forgotten in life. Not all get positive attention and a kind word of praise. Is it even needed, You ask? Can do without. Sure. Those kind of people do not do “nice things” because their priority is to get kind words or to be praised, but because they get their praise in the moment they see from the persons eyes, the laughter they hear or something else.
But wouldn’t it be fair and kind to also raise them up, as a positive example?

How would it make a difference, if we stepped out of the world that every day tries to lead us on some path, if we stopped, even if for a bit, thought about it, and started to live and act out of love for life, others and ourselves (unegoistically). How about that?

~*~*~*~

Ausus. / Honesty.

2009-11-03T23:02:50Z

Ma ei saa minna selle kõigega kaasa ja laskuda enesehaletsuse mängudesse, mida mängitakse. Ma kipun olema aus ka situatsioonis, kus võibolla ehk loodetakse kuulda magusaid või kahetsevaid või süüd omastavaid sõnu. Ma ei saa - sest ma pean olema aus enesega ja kui ütlen, siis ütlen seda, mida mõtlen. See on nii minu voorus kui ka minu hukatus. Aga sinna pole midagi parata, teisiti ei saa... selgitan:

Ma valutan seest, sest ma tean, et ma ei saa alati aidata, kuna ma ei saa panna inimest nägema asju läbi minu vaatenurga (või läbi minu silmade), kui tal pole selle vaatenurga olemusest, ehedusest ja tõelisusest e. olemasolust aimu, kokkupuudet ega teadmisi. Ega ka usku sellesse. Ma olen kurb, et maailmas on nii palju raskusi, valu, mis meile tekitatakse ja mida vahel ka ise enesele tekitame. Kohati selline valu, mida oleme elu jooksul pidanud tunda saama, pimestab meie meeli ja mõistust, ning näeme elu vaid teatud prisma läbi, olles südames kibestunud, valus ja arvates, et meid lisaks sellele valule ka ei mõisteta.

Kui elu lained on meid rasinud, paisanud nii ühte kui teise kohta, on mõistagi raske näha võimalust, et mingi hetk vesi muutub kärestiku asemel tasaselt ja kontrollitult sujuvaks voolamiseks. Ja sellises meeleheitlikus edasi-tagasi pekslemises (kui selle sees parasjagu olla) ongi raske uskuda ja loota, et midagi sellist juhtuda saaks.

Üks on aga selge. Elu muutmisel paremuse poole ei aita meid ei kibestumisest enese ümber müüride ehitamine - sest see loob vaid illusiooni, et oleme kaitstud, tegelikult aga oleme katkematus jadas, kust välja ei pääse - ega ka süü veeretamine teiste või eluraskuste kaela.

Ma mõistan, et meil kõigil on elus erinev start (erinev perekond, riik, linn, võimalused - nii emotsionaalsed kui materiaalsed), elu algus, kuid asi pole selles, kuidas alustad, vaid selles, kuidas oma elu elad, mis moel seda võimalust (elada) maailmas ära kasutad. (Ühel inimesel oli hea ütlus: OLULINE POLE, KUIDAS STARDID, VAID KUIDAS FINIŠEERID.) On võimalusi, eri viise, kuidas ellu suhtuda, kuid ma tooks esile viis: kas (1) kõige ja kõigi üle viriseda ja kurta oma kurba saatust, kas (2) viriseda ja kurta, kuid mingi hetk otsustada, et aitab, väärin ka ilusat elu, (3) mitte viriseda ega kurta, elada kõik enese sisse ja olla omas nö. mullis, (4) elada kõik enesesse, kuid mingi hetk suuta ka väljapoole elada, kuid ilma teisi/elu süüdistamata, (5) lihtsalt vegeteerida, jonnakalt olla ainult omamoodi (,nägemata, et elus on kõigil midagi õppida).

Meil kõigil on omad eluraskused, mida võrdlema hakata oleks tobe - see ei viiks mitte kusagile, kuna asju, mis meie elu mõjutavad on miljoneid, samuti need viisid, kuidas erinevaid eluraskusi hindame/tabame. Enda elu kellegi teise eluga võrrelda ka väärtustelt "paremaks/halvemaks" on mõttetu. Igal ühel on oma tugevused ja nõrkused (nii minevikus, olevikus kui ka tulevikus). Samas, mis ühele tundub nõrkusena, võib olla teise jaoks tugevus. See oleneb isiksusest ja ellusuhtumisest ja valikutest.

Minu jaoks on tugevus olla enese vastu aus. Mulle meeldib lause: Ole aus iseendaga, alles siis saad olla aus ka teistega. Mida see lause eneses sisaldab? Mida võtta aususena? Mitte valetamist? Jah.
Mida sa ütleksid inimesele, kes küsib oma riietuse kohta Sinu arvamust. Pea silmas asjaolu, et sellel konkreetsel juhtumil Sulle see riietus ei meeldi, (või siis et ise Sa seda ei kannaks).
Kas ütled otse välja - 'see ei sobi Sulle', või et 'see on kole', või hoopiski, et 'mina seda ei kannaks, aga see on Sinu valik/aga Sulle see istub.'
Kas keerutad või valetad ja ütled, et 'on ilus küll' kuigi seda päriselt ei mõtle?
Teine vaatenurk on aga hoopis taibata asjaolu, et riietuslik maitse on nii individuaalne, isiksusest ja tema stiilist sõltuv (samuti ka elustiil). Kui meile midagi ei meeldi, ei tähenda veel, et see kole või vale oleks. Kui meie seda ei kannaks, ei tähenda veel kohe, et see teisele inimesele kanda ei sobiks. Me peame väljuma EGO plaanist (ehk lähtudes alati enesest) ja nägema asja suuremalt plaanilt (võttes arvesse mitmeid asjaolusid, eriti TÕDE). Mis on tõde? Et see riietusese on kole, või et me oleme nii egoistlikud, et arvame, et meie arvamus on ülim? Või peame lähtuma moest, kuna see on piibel? Miks me võtame ära teiselt inimeselt võimaluse valida ja tunda ennast hästi asjadega (aga ka tunnetega või arvamustega), mis just nende jaoks on ilusad, mida aga võibolla meie ei mõista? (No erandeid on - kui tegemist oleks mõrvariga, siis ma ei kiidaks takka tema elustiili ja valikuid - AGA see on juba teine lugu). Oma arvamust sellisel moel teisele peale surudes me seda just aga teemegi. Ja mitte ainult riietusesemeid arvustades ei tee me nii... lisaks kõigele ei mõista me üldse teisi ja nende elusid, kuna me oleme harjunud lähtuma enesest ja oma vajadustest/mõtetest ning võtma neid etalonideks. Kui nii, siis milleks me üldse vajame teisi inimesi? Milleks me vajame armastust? Saaksime ju ka üksi hakkama elus, kui poleks isegi ühtegi inimhinge maailmas peale meie. Või kas ikka saaksime? Peame lõpuks ju mõistma, et peale meie on maailmas veel teisi... ja et me tegelikult vajame TEISI INIMESI oma kõrvale. Tunnistate Te seda enesele või mitte, aga nii see on.

Kui me pole ausad iseendaga, ei saa me olla ausad ka teistega. Kui me valetame juba isegi iseendale, kuidas siis me siis saaksimegi teistega aus olla? Kuidas ka teised siis meid usaldada ja meisse uskuda saaksid, kui me pidevalt petame iseend. Me sööme alalõpmata üle, ja ütleme endale, et meil on magusaisu ja seda tuleb ju toita, kuigi tegemist on stressisöömisega. Me näljutame end, sest me tahame olla ilusad ja pilkupüüdvad, kuid tegemist on sisemiste ebakindlustega (ja puuduva enesega rahul olemisega). Me ei kuula oma keha ja me ei suuda ennast aksepteerida sellistena nagu oleme - me häbeneme iseendid. Aga miks? Pole ju põhjust. Me valetame teistele hädavalesid ('white lies'), uskudes, et nii on parem, sest siis me ei tee teistele haiget ja 'säästame' neid "valusast" tõest, kuigi tegelikult oleme liiga arad, et öelda seda, mida me peaksime või tahaksime öelda. Jne jne...

Me ei saagi eeldada, et meisse siseneks rahu, kindlameelsus, turvatunne ja armastus nii enese kui ka teiste vastu, kui me seda ainult koguaeg enesest kõrvale tõrjume oma puudustest tulevate käitumisviisidega. Kui me lõppudelõpuks ikkagi avastame, et selleks, et elada head, hingele midagi pakkuvat ja tervislikku ning produktiivset elu, pole vaja püüda (vahest võltsilt) meeldida teistele, või endale, või koguaeg maailma/teiste vastu võidelda ja ennast tõestada (kuigi seda tuleb tegelikult ju teha. Aga mitte vihast ega vastumeelsusest, vaid rõõmust, et saad olla see, kes oled), siis lõpetame ka mullis elamise ja astume inimeste sekka.

Kahju, et tänapäeva maailm ja ühiskond meie puudusi pidevalt (ka rahalistel eesmärkidel - et selle pealt teenida) ära kasutada püüavad. Ja kohati on tunne, et selleks, et ellu jääda (nii füüsilises kui vaimses mõttes) tuleb ikka olla kuradi tugev ja kindlameelne, mitte alla anda. Isegi kõige ekstreemsemates oludes (jällegi - nii füüsiliselt kui ka vaimselt).

Kõik, kes on praegu kärestikes - minge vooluga kaasa ja laske vahelduseks eluvoolul end juhtida. Vaadake elu läbi lapse siirate ja imestavate silmade, piltlikult öeldes, kui suudate. Sest voolule vastu võideldes, paaniliselt ringi sipeldes ja kätega vehkides tekitame, vastupidiselt arvamusele et päästame end, enesele hoopis kahju. MINE KÄRESTIKUGA KAASA: püüa tasapisi harjuda uue mõttega, lasta end vooluga kaasa minna, loobuda oma EGOST ja sellest tulenevatest kinnisideedest. Peagi avastad, et kärestikuline vesi on muutumas järjest rahulikumaks ja voolavamaks. Siis võibolla suudad olla tänulik, et oled elus, et Sa küll nö andusid, andsid alla ja teatud mõttes küll loobusid (kuid seda vaid positiivses mõistes - loobusid elule vastu võitlemast), kuid see viis Sind välja ohtlikust olukorrast - ja tulid välja elusa, terve, rahuliku, meelekindla ja õnnelikuna. Kärestik möödub. Aga kui me jääme lõpmatuseni rabelema, siplema, ei jõuagi me rahulikumasse tsooni.

Ma loodan, et suudame suhtuda nii enesesse kui ka teistesse ühese austuse ja AUSUSEGA.
Kallistus sellele, kes seda vajab.

Kõike head,
L.

PS! Mis te arvate, mis juhtuks siis, kui maailmast kaoks kontseptsioon rahast, piiridest (riikide vahel), usust...

~*~*~*~

I cannot go with all of this and to go along with the games of self-pity, which is played. I tend to be honest even in a situation, when maybe it is hoped to be heard sweet, regretting or blame taking words. I cannot – because I have to be honest with myself and when I say something, I will say, how I mean it (or how I think about it). This is both my virtue but also my doom. But there is nothing to do about it, because I can’t do it in any other way… I’ll explain:

I am hurting inside, because I know, that I cannot always help, because I cannot make a person to see things throught my perspective (or through my eyes), if they do not have a clue, a contact with, or knowledge about this perspectives essence, sincerety/genuity, existance. Nor belief in it. I am sad that there are so many hardships and pain in the world, which is brought upon us and which we bring upon us, ourselves. At times, the pain, that we have had to know about, during this life, will blind our senses and mind and we will become to observe life through a certain prism, at the same time being bittered in the heart, in pain, and believing that to the addition of the pain we are feeling we are neither being undersood.

If the waves of life have us tangled in them, throwing us from one spot to another, it is reasonable to see, that it is hard to see a possibility, that at some point the water may change from rapid water flowing to controlled, smooth flowing. And in this desparate forth-and-back thrash (if at the moment, one would be in it) it would be hard to believe and hope, that such a thing might happen.

Although one thing is clear. To change life for the better, building walls around us from the bitterness – because it will create only an illusion of being protected, in reality we are in an ongoing track in which we cannot find the way out from – neither to place blame on others on or the hardships that are sent on our way won’t help us.

I understand, that all of us have a different start (different family, country, city, possibilities – both emotional and material), the beginning of life, but it is not in the matter of how You begin, but how You live Your life, in which way will You use the possibility (to live). (A person had a great saying: IT IS NOT IMPORTANT, HOW YOU START, IT’S HOW YOU FINISH.) There are possibilities, different ways to approach life (to think about life), but I would surface five of all of those: we could either (1) whine about everything and everyone and to bewail on our sad destiny, to either (2) whine and bewail, but at one moment to decide that, enough, I deserve a beautiful life aswell, (3) not to whine nor bewail, but to live everything inwards and be in Your so called bubble, (4) to live everything inwards, but at some point to be able to live outwards, although not blaming others/life, (5) just to vegetate, stubbornly to be only in Your own way (,without seeing, that in life, everybody has things to learn).

We all have our hardships of life, but it would be silly to start comparing them between us – it would lead us to nothing, because there are million aspects that affect us, and also the ways, how we think about/capture them. To compare Your life to anothers lif in the means of „better/worse“ is pointless. Everyone has their strenghts and weaknesses (in the past, present and the future). At the same time, what to one seems as a weakness, to another can be a strenght. It depends on the personality, attitude towards life and choices.

For me, a strenght is to be honest towards Yourself. I like the sentence: Be honest with Yourself, only then can You be honest with others. What does this sentence consist of? What is percieved to be honesty? Not lying? Yes.
What would You say to a person, who asks for Your opinion about their clothing. Have in mind a thought, that in this concrete case You do not like this clothing (or that You would not wear it Yourself).
Would You say it out straight – ’it doesn’t suit You’ or that ’it is ugly’, or something like ’I wouldn’t wear it, but this is Your choice/it suits You.’
Do You swirl or lie and say that ’yes, it is beautiful’ although You do not mean it?
Another point of view is to apprehend a juncture that the taste of clothing is such an individual thing, that depends on a persons personality and their style (but the lifestyle is also this way). If we do not fancy something, doesn’t mean that it is ugly or wrong. If we wouldn’t wear it, doesn’t mean that it would not suit the other person. We have to depart from the plan of EGO (in other words to always originate from Your own perspective) and to see things from a bigger plan (taking in concideration many circumstances/aspects, especially the TRUTH). What is the truth? That the piece of clothing is ugly, or that we are so egoistic that we believe that our views/beliefs are the supreme? Or do we have to originate by what is told by fashion, because it is the bible? Why do we take away a possibility to choose and to feel good with things (and thoughts or views) from other person, which for them are beautiful, but which we do not comprehend? (Well, there are exceptions – if it would have to do with a murderer, I wouldn’t approve their lifestyle and choices – BUT this is another story). But this way of forcing our beliefs onto another person is exactly doing that. And not only in clothing do we do this… to the addition to all of it, we do not understant others and their lives at all, because we are so used to originating from ourselves and our needs/thoughts and taking them in count as etalons. If so, then why would we ever need other people? Why do we need love? We could do fine on our own in this life, if there was not another soul in this world but us. Or could we do fine? In the end, we have to understand, that beside us, there are others in the world aswell… and that we actually NEED OTHERS beside us. Wether You admit it to Yourself or not, this is true.

If we are not honest with ourselves, we cannot be honest with others. If we already lie to ourselves, how can we be truthful to others? How could other people trust and believe in us, if we constantly decieve ourselves? We constantly eat above our needs and tell ourselves, that we have the cravings for sweetness and that we should be able to feed it, although it is stress-eating that we’re doing. We starve ourselves, because we want to be beautiful and sight-catching, although in fact it is the inner secureness that we are lacking (and the lack of being in peace with oneself). We don’t listen to our bodies and we cannot accept ourselves the way we are – we are ashamed of ourselves. But why? There is no reason. We lie white lies to people, believing that this would be better, because in this way we won’t hurt others and we will ’protect them’ from the „hurtful“ truth, although in fact we are too cowardly, to say what we should or would want to say. Etc, etc…

We can’t assume, that the peace, resolvement, the sense of security and love towards both oneself and others will enter in us, if we constantly try to push it away from ourselves from the behaviors that come from our weaknesses. Still, if we finally realise, that to live a life that is good, that offers something to the soul, is healthy and productive, it is not neccecary to try (at times in falsification) to be liked by others, or by ourselves, or at all times to fight against the world/others, and to prove oneself (although we actually have to do this. But not out of hatred or resentment, but out of joy to be able to be who You are), then we will end living in a bubble and take a step among people.

Too bad that the world today and the society constantly try to use our weaknesses (also in the goal of making money from it). And at times there is a feeling, that to survive (both physically and mentally) we would have to be amazingly strong and resolved, not to give up. Even in the most extreme circumstances (again – both physically and mentally).

All of You, who at this time are in the rapid flows – go with the flow and let the current guide You, for a change. Look at the life through the eyes of a sincere and wondering baby, figuratively speaking, if You are able to. Because fighting against the current, to thrash around in panic and flinging our arms, instead of the belief of the fact that it is helping, You will only do harm to Yourself.
GO WITH THE RAPID FLOW: try to get used to a new thought, to let Yourself go with the flow, to give up Your EGO and the obsessions that come from it. Pretty soon You will discover that the rapid water is changing more and more calm/peaceful and flowing. Then maybe You will be able to be thankful, that You are alive, that You succumbed, You gave free hands, and in a way You gave up (but only in a positive way – You gave up fighting against life), but it led You out of a dangerous position – and You came out alive, healthy, peaceful, determined and joyous(or happy). The rapidness will pass. But if we will stay forever to thrash, to flounder, we won’t ever get to a more peaceful zone.

I hope that we will be able to relate to both others and ourselves in the same respect and HONESTY.
A hug to the one, that needs it.

All best,
L.

PS! What do You think, what would happen, when the concept of money, borders (between countries) and faith was lost…

How our approach to life changes everything.

2009-10-29T13:59:58Z

I believe that if we start to be open to life, the miracles will appear, become available (because we simply notice).

I want to share a story that happened with me. It is about seeing what only You want to see, being stubborn in our own ways, and also not being open to different things that may happan to us.

For some reason me and my schoolfriend (when we were in about 6.-7. grade) decided to do some ‘crazy spontaneous thing’ for random/strange people on the street to lighten up their moods. I don’t remember if it was the Valentines day or if it was any other ordinary day, but I remember it was a very impulsive thought that just popped in our heads.

We decided to buy about a dozen roses and then we would roam about the Old Town of Tallinn, Estonia and we would give those roses to people that (in our minds & hearts) seemed to need a little bit of joy. I remember that with a lot of people I saw a spark in their eyes that let me believe - mission accomplished. But there was one, that didn’t - at all.

We were taking different routes in small and bigger streets, quieter courts of some old houses. There was this end to a street where there would be about 100 steps going upwards, and in the middle, there was a young man, a musician playing guitar. We went up the stairs, stopped and listened to him for a while. He looked stylish, with black pants, a lighter blouse, and an elegant jacket. While he played, at times he would close his eyes, and when he opened them, we would get a glimpse of what his soul was about. There seemed to be a sad tone about him, as he played. As he ended the song, we were stunned by his music, thankful of that moment (unconciously) we immidiately decided spontaneously that this rose would be our way of saying thanks for that music he provided for to listen to.

We, at that moment, of course, were truly naive - because he obviously was playing for money. As it happened, when the rose was reached towards him, he accepted it, and commented: “What am I supposed to do with it now?” and stared at us with a rather cold look. We didn’t know what to say. Possibly we could of explained that we did it to bring him joy, of some sort, but I am not sure if we did that since it was a long time ago. And it’s not even important, if we did. Because obviously he was looking to recieve money. (I don’t remember if we gave him some or not though)

~*~*~*~

The moral, though, of this story can be translated in multiple ways. And maybe You can also help me with it.

1. It’s no point trying to force/make someone to think the way You are thinking. (They simply may not be on the same page with You/they may see the world differently, or simply they may be in another place in their life right now.)
2. Never expect that people will always react the way You would like them to react.
3. If You are concentrating on only one certain thing, You will likely to become blind of the other options/experiences life may offer You.
4. We can’t look at the world from only one point of view.
5. When life gives You lemons, make lemonade.
6. When You grow walls around You, it’s hard to notice the simple beauty of life.
7. Even if we don’t always get what we wanted at the first place, what we do get may … sometimes be more likely what we actually need. (Love)
8. Not all good intentions are understood the way they were meant.
9. Be open to life.

In life, we all have been stubborn like that, in our own ways. But if we trust more, become more lively and ‘flowing’, open to life, I believe it’s possible to change a lot in this area. Maybe some of You find more morals of this story, or thoughts, to add - You are more than welcome to share Your thoughts here. And in fact I will expect that You will do that.

That encounter didn’t really make me do less impulsive things, but I am sure that it made me less naive.

A miracle

2009-10-27T14:01:01Z

It was any usual day of winter. I was on a walk with my dog. The territory of this place is swampy and watery, and in the middle of it there are white-gravel roads to make it possible to walk around (and take different routes) in this scenery while keeping the feet dry. Now it was winter and the road was covered with snow and it was rather icy and very slippery at times.

Before going on that road I had taken my backpack and packed a whole white bread and a camera to take with me. There is a little swamp-pond situated in the middle of the routes in the swamp and I was surely going to pass by it when I would take the walk. I packed the bread because there were ducks living at the area of the pond and for some reason I got the idea that this day was a good day to feed them.

You see, from the childhood where I lived there was this small river near by the house I was living in. My grandmother and I used to go there when I was a little child and we would feed the ducks, and the ducks would pick the pieces of bread out of my hand - that's how big their trust was. I always admired the ducks and their trust and the close connection they allowed me to have with them. Unfortunately one day, some years ago, that I decided to visit my childhood, I saw a sad scene. I saw little boys throwing stones at the ducks there at the river and chasing and teasing them while laughing themselves. I was really sad to see that. When I tried to feed the ducks after the boys were gone, they merely showed any interest at all. And they certainly kept a long distance. After I stayed there for a while they started to come closer, but still I wasn't able to handfeed them anymore. And this saddened me. The trust had gone.

After moving to another city where I started to attend to the University, there was also a river running through the city and it was farely close to where I used to live at, again. One day again I decided to try that simple joy again and went to feed the ducks at the place where all the birds gathered (there were many doing that). I was there for a while, and I had a hope that a duck would trust me enough to take a piece of bread from my hand. As I gained the birds trust staying there long enough one actually did. That was on the outside (to others) a small matter, but to me it was a whole story. (And obviously there had not been people harrassing the birds, or even if there had been, those were some smart ducks, learning and relearning again.) I thank the ducks for giving me back that little joy of my childhood.

But back to the main story: I was already on that trail with my dog and as I was walking on the pond was getting closer. On the background from the opposite direction, far from me, I saw two elderly ladies slowly walking in my direction. I saw that one of them must of been very old of age, maybe around 80, and the other must of been her daughter or close friend or relative, younger. About 60 years old. The elderly lady had trouble walking due to her age, but the other lady was helping her, and my heart melted watching them.
I reached the pond sooner, since they were walking slowly (the road was a bit icy and slippery that day) and also were further away from it. Just in case I put my dog on a leash again, because of her overbubbling energy that might scare the ones that do not know her nature thinking she might hurt them in any way. On the trail there is a custom to do that, showing the respect in case a person is afraid of strange dogs. I started to feed the ducks. The ladies fairly soon approached and started to watch the ducks eating the bread.

They noticed my dog right away and for my luck they were very trusty, loving and immidiately started to talk to my dog and pet her. If I remember correctly then one of them even told me to release her from the leash, which I later did, since I saw their silent agreement and permission for it.

After we started talking about the ducks and the life, I felt a desire to share my simple joy of feeding those ducks with those ladies. I broke the bread, that was left, in three chunks and gave one to one of the ladies and the other to another and kept one for myself. Then we all silently started to feed the ducks. (One of them even fed my dog with pieces of bread too, claiming that the dog also needs feeding. That really melted my heart and at the same time it was a bit humorous to me. My dog would even eat an raw onion if offered.)

After the bread had run out the older lady turned to me and thanked for sharing the bread with them. She had tears in her eyes. But yet she was smiling (with her presence). We changed some more thoughts and wished well for eachother and continued our walks.

I have no idea what had happened in her life and or if maybe she had been sad or lonely, or hurt for some reason, but I felt that this little gesture made offered something to her. Some kind of release. I was thankful to be able to be a 'tool' to give a little hope to that elderly lady on that day.

Having that feeling to take the bread with me on that day and meeting those ladies on that day and talking to them was a miracle for me that day. And it granted a wish I had had - to be able to give.

Maarjale / To Mary

2009-10-25T23:35:30Z

Me pole müüdavad.

Mis sunnib meid pöörama pead,
vaatama tagasi?
Võime andestada teiste vead,
ja iseendi...

Mis sunnib meid otsima rahu
ja vaikust?
Eemaldume teistes hetkeks,
vaikseis paigus.

Miks me ei taha minna
koos teistega?
Mööda seda rada, koos
meeletu keerisega?

Sest me pole valmis
loovutama
kõike seda
mis meie südameis
on puhas.
Kelleks me sündisime,
ja kelleks oleme saanud,
kelleks jääme,
saades tuhaks.

Me ei taha olla ühiskonna orjad,
kõike järgides,
nii nagu teised.
Peame olema meie ise.

Puhta südamega.
Rahus ja vaikuses.
(juuli 2005)

~*~*~*~

We are not for sale.

What makes us turn the head,
to look back?
The ability to forgive mistakes of others,
and ourselves...

What makes us seek for peace
and quietness?
We withdraw from others for a moment,
in quiet places.

Why don't we want to go
with the others?
On the path, with
the frantic whirl?

Because we are not ready
to give up
all this
which in our hearts
is pure.
Who we were born as
and to what we have become,
who we will stay as
as we become the ashes.

We do not want to be the slaves of the society,
to follow everything
just like the others.
We have to be ourselves.

With a pure heart.
In peace and quietness.
(In July 2005)

Evaldile, meie Papale.

2009-10-25T23:02:35Z

Ilus hing ja tema süda.

Läbi värvilise klaasi,
läbi väikse lillevaasi,
nägin mina Sinu silmi,
enne, kui nad pigistasid kinni.

Vallatute rips'te vahelt
nägin seda sädet kahelt
roheliselt silmalt,
kes mul otsa vaatsid pingsalt.

Käsi puhkas pehmel tekil,
kümme sõrme unda mekib.
Nägu rahulik ja püha,
kergelt minna lubab süda.

Minu hing, see rahu sai,
Sinu käele teen nüüd pai.
Luban minna Sinul ära
kui veel näitad silmasära.
(Mälestuseks Evaldile. Aprill 2003)

Jälle...

2009-10-23T23:12:20Z

Ma seisan bussis. Olen valmis minema teatrisse ja nautima etendust. Seda võimalust pole juba jupp aga olnud. Ja ma seisan ja vaatan närviliselt kella, et olla kindel, et ma ei hilineks. Ma seisan ja vaatan aknast välja ja mõtlen, et elu on ilus. Bussi teeb järgmise peatuse ja sisse astub mustanahaline välismaalane ja seisab minu kõrvale. Ma naeratan, sest ma tean, et ma ei karda endast nö. teistsuguseid. Ma naeratan ja vaatan mujale, et mitte paista pealetükkivana või ninakana.

Teate, kuidas vahel mõne inimese hoiak Sinusse võib tekitada Sinus täiesti teise muutuse, Sinu olekus. Kui Sind aksepteeritakse ja võetakse vabalt, tunned ka ise ennast hästi ja vabas olekus.

Ta mõistis seda, ja oli näha, et kogu ta keha lõdvestus - midagi muutus.

Ma olin siiralt rõõmus, et tunnen end vabalt ja et ei pea tüüpilise eestlasena klatšima või mõtlema mingeid negatiivseid mõtteid nagu et a la "mida see neeger siin Eestimaal teeb" jne jne. Miks me alati tahame teisi mustata? Et end paremana näidata? Miks küll? See on alandav hoopis enesele, mitte sellele, keda mustatakse.

Mõtlen nii, ja järsku tunnen ensel kellegi pilku. See on see sama noormees. Ja tal on nii sõbralikud silmad. Vaatan talle otsa ja me mõlemad naeratame. Uskuge või ei, aga ma ei ole elus mitte kunagi midagi sellist teinud. Naerge või herneks, aga pole. Tuleb minu peatus ja ma pean maha minema. Lähen, ja me vaatame veel teineteisele pikalt järele. U 5. minutit siirust. Ilma mingite eesmärkide ega tagamõteteta. Lihtsalt, ilus hetk.

Ma põlesin sees. Ma oleksin pidanud midagi ütlema talle, aga ma ei öelnud. Oleksin võinud. Oleksin. Paha sõna. Palju asju, mida OLEKSIME võinud teha. Aga milleni kunagi ei jõudnudki. Või siiski? Võibolla see pilk rääkis enese eest. Need pruunid silmad minu rohelis-hallikatele silmadele ja vastupidi.

Kuid ma tean, et midagi meie mõlema hinges puutus kokku. See sama siirus ja lihtne naeratus ja siiras silmavaade.

Uskuge, kui te suudate olla nii vaba, et naeratada ka võõrale inimesele ilma mingite tagamõteteta või suhelda ka võõraga suhtudes temasse soojalt, siis mõistate sellis(t)e hetke(de) taga nii mõndagi. Me ei tohiks olla nii endasse sulgunud, vaid olla avatud elule, ka võõrastele, sest vahest võimes võõras inimeses leida midagi, mis oleks justkui osa meist endist.

Parimat,
L.